Wednesday, September 18, 2019

The Testaments by Margaret Atwood

There is no fucking way I am going to buy gas from a gas station that makes you pay for air. Will not happen. Now I will admit that there is some debate in my family as to whether or not I should be driving at all "at my age," but my mind is sharp as an executioner's blade, and if Ms. Atwood can write a book this good at her age, surely I can handle going to HyVee for some Lean Cuisines and Metamucil.

But back to my point. It does not cost a gas station anything to provide air for you to fill your tires. But one after another, they are installing these indecipherable new air machines that cost 3 dollars and flash a bunch of lights at you while you check your tire pressure. And do you know why? Because people like you let them! You just shrug your shoulders, swipe your Kwik Trip reward card (Hey, free 264 oz. soda!), and surrender. You know where this leads, right? To a corporofascist state that will make Gilead look like Disneyland!

We have been here before, people. I can remember a time 30 years ago when I stopped by my son's house to criticize his lawn care and he offered me bottled water. "How can you buy this stuff?!?!," I exclaimed. "If you do that, people will think it is normal!" He assured me that he had gotten it at a conference and that no one would ever think it would be normal to buy the same water you can get for free, and now look at us! A bunch of brainless sheeple buying bottled water every day like our house was on fire. The only legitimate reason to buy bottled water is to smuggle gin into a baseball game. If you put a little hot glue on the cap, you can make it look unopened. But I digress.

The point is, if you think they will stop at air for tires, you are beyond naive. If you legitimize buying air, you will soon be buying the air you breathe. Giant air conglomerates will control the world's oxygen supply, and they will use it to oppress us all just like on Mars in Total Recall. I knew that movie would come true in the end! And so, even though the cruel irony of burning through gas driving across town to buy gas makes me want to stick a fork in my eye, I will keep doing it. For you. For Offred. For the children.


  1. Isn't that what they tell you right before they lock you up in an asylum?

  2. I just drink my water in coffee form. Problem solved.
    Fantastic review!

  3. Good call. As long as they aren't using bottled water in the coffee makers! Trust no one.

  4. I have at least 3 water bottles that I fill from the tap, one of which is in the freezer that I can pull out and take cold water any time I want. I bought one of these: years ago and keep it in my car. Even if air is free at gas stations, it can be dangerous for a lone female to stop and get air. It's even worse if I'm on the road somewhere. I live somewhere between the middle of nowhere and west of it--so having a handy little compressor is great.

    My brother bought one of those cars where they tell you that you have to pay to put nitrogen air in the tires. I scoffed at him and told him to put regular air in there. We got into a big argument because I called him an idiot for putting "special" air in his tires when regular air works just fine. Get real. Does he think he's a race car driver? I've let him drive with me in the car exactly once. It's not that he's fast. It's the constant steam of complaints about other drivers that kills me.

    Also, in a pinch, most tire places will put air in your tires for free.


  5. Nitrogen gas?? Are you kidding me? Is he trying to preserve food in his tires or something?

  6. Don't ask me. I told him he'd been ripped off and that we were stopping at the first available place for air (the tire low light was on). When he started ranging about having to go to the dealer for nitrogen I thought he was JOKING. Being a sibling, he also blamed ME for the low tire pressure even though it was HIS car and he had just picked me up from the airport (I was now driving the car so that somehow made it my fault). Some people will buy anything--tap water in a plastic bottle that costs the price of soda...sweet pickles...special air. Shrug.

  7. There's no accounting for family sometimes. Don't get me started.